I felt angry enough to punch something.
Thousands of emotions were swirling inside me at the speed of light. No time to think, no time to process. All accumulating in my chest with immense pressure.
I was sick of this life. I was ready to leave, and try it on my own.
The boundaries.
Rules.
Restrictions.
I wanted them gone.
Of course I loved my parents, and I loved my siblings, but I wanted freedom!
I was fifteen.
I was baptized, a Christian, and thought I was doing just fine. Everyone told me I was an amazing kid, and that I was a good person. I let that false security assuage the guilt, temporarily.
But I was discontent and angry at myself. I knew I hurt those I loved when I blew up. I knew that those moments of anger were not handled correctly.
And every time I made up, I told myself I would do better.
But another argument, mistake, or explosion, would push me right back to square one, leaving me full of guilt, and wondering if I’d ever figure it out.
My name is Sarah Paschall, and this is my story: the story of how I truly found God through prayer.
Life was hard during those years, and looking back, I can see my mistakes, thoughts, and emotions, and realize that they were faulty. But at the time, they were real, and they were powerful.
Reality hit me in July 2017.
We had been reading through the Bible as a family. As we read through the stories of Moses, and the Judges, I began to realize that I didn’t remember parts of what we were reading.
I was the preacher’s daughter – smart, good in Bible class, and I always had the answers to questions. I should have known these things.
All of a sudden, my crumbling wall of false security…
“I’m doing fine, everyone says so…” fell apart.
And I realized all of a sudden that I was not a Christian. Not really.
I had pushed God away and rejected Him. Sure, I called myself a Christian, and I went through the motions, but I had lost the connection.
In desperation, I began trying to read more of God’s word, trying to reestablish the broken connection. But I kept messing up, and felt lost.
Then…
I began writing.
Writing letters to God. It was prayer, and it was real.
Whenever I felt angry, sad, insecure, or excited, I wrote to God. I was talking to him as a friend. It wasn’t asked of me, and it wasn’t required. It was freeing.
Something about the paper beneath my hand, and the scratch of the pencil, made my prayers feel more tangible. God was there, He always had been, He loved me, and I had a friend. I told Him everything and worked out some of the most difficult moments on paper with Him in a way I never had before.
Those years of anger and discontent were not pleasant, but they brought me to God. I can’t even begin to explain what He has done for me, and in me! He has transformed me.
I have grown more than I ever thought possible, and I am close to Him. He has changed me. Instead of insecure, I am confident. Instead of guilt, I have peace.
Now, I am eighteen. Life is exciting, good, and I am ready for it. God has been and will be with me. This is a journey I am on and will continue with His grace. I know I will make mistakes, but with Him by my side, there is nothing I cannot overcome.
That is my story, but this isn’t just about me.
Today I am going to share with you some things that really helped me during that time, so you can strengthen or rediscover your connection with God!
Simple Tips to Improve Your Prayer Time
- Write it down: I cannot begin to express how important this has been to me. Writing down how you are feeling makes the connection more tangible, and it helps you process.
- Don’t filter: This may sound strange, but God wants to hear from you exactly how you are feeling. The thoughts may not be good, they may not be healthy, but telling God what you are struggling with will help you fix the problem. Don’t forget to tell Him when you are feeling good or happy, too!
- Remember God will forgive: This is true, and do not tell yourself differently. No matter what the problem is, or what you’ve done, God will forgive you if you ask for forgiveness. 1 John 1:9
- Remember God does hear you: God is right there with you when you pray. He hears you, he cares, and he understands you better than you understand yourself. Philippians 4:6-7
Dear sisters, I have been so blessed to share this with you! I know you can do it! God is with you, and He will hear you! All you have to do is ask Him!
With Love,
Sarah Paschall
If you would like to write a guest blog post for Project Virtue, go to “Contact Me” or email me at projectvirtue111@gmail.com.
